We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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