You smell like a Billy Joel song
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize