Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
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