i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
