i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Drunk is a universal language darling
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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