I just cut my nipple shaving
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
