Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
