We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
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