I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
