worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
