life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
3pm strippers are depressing
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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