I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
