I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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