That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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