I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
