There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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