my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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