It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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