I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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