i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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