belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
