I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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