Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I just found a bag of teeth...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
