she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
