in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize