the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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