Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
