I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
