god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
