He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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