Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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