Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize