Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
