I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
