Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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