Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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