fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize