fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
