somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
