Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
