just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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