I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm like, not good at living.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize