Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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