I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
