I think I died a long time ago.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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