My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
