My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
