Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
