Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
