New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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