I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I bet he comes in French.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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