My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
