I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
