mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
